The Pieces and the Process

Have you had that unexplainable moment when everything clicks, and you wonder why you did not see it before?

I love these moments! The 'aha' moments of life.

I have been attempting to get a better picture to describe this phenomenon. And once more, it comes back to the puzzle, the quilt, the painting, the book, the machinery, the body, etc. All have pieces and processes that must be gathered together before the final  product is in clear view. Assembly is required.  

In life, as we come to the point when we are tired of the same thing happening over and over, our heart, our spirit says 'enough is enough'. It is in this moment, the true desire to change starts with asking and seeking a path to change. 

I have learned to start by asking Papa (God, the Creator of all) to help me see more clearly. When I begin seeking, I gather information from everywhere. It's like the universe just starts pouring out the pieces of the puzzle in various forms: books, a verse in a song, a line in a movie or television show, conversations,  unexpected encounters, and experiences.  

Gotta love those one on one experiences. For all the book knowledge, there is nothing to bring about clarity like experience. 

You have to be willing to go all in. Almost unknowingly, you are gathering pieces, and they are being laid out before you.  Then, it happens!! The final piece, lesson, experience.  What you were seeking to change and understand is made clear. The aha , the epiphany, the wow, the life changing moment happens! 

There may have been many who attempted to tell or show you, BUT  YOU had to walk through the process yourself. You had to gather the pieces. The pieces were specifically laid out for you. Your individual gathering of information, created just for you to discover. It was the process that allowed the change to happen. The Process!  

It all started with a desire to change...to be all in...to meet each obstacle with the determination to see it thru...the choice not to run and hide and return to the old ways ... even as the emotions of anger, hurt, pain, fear, and discouragement come.  (These emotions are keys to change. They must be looked at for true transformation to take place.) The focus and heart must be set on being Courageous and Strong to see the process through until the change in the soul and the spirit are free. This is when we can truly be at peace with our self and others. It is that freedom, that peace...set aside just for You to experience; for there are no two alike. After all, you...me are a piece of a bigger picture. 

#breathinginpapa #aha #change #discovery #porchtime #process #learning 

Breathing in Papa

Father, you are my heart...the center of my universe. You love me unconditionally with passion. You walk beside me along my life journey, and when I misstep you guide me sharing your wisdom to keep me on the path you have for me. You never leave me, nor forsake me. I feel your presence when I stop, and take a deep breath, and see you in the moment. For your way, is higher than anything I could imagine; bringing gracious blessings to me and others. What a gift it is to have you as my lover of my soul, my teacher, my guide, my everything. (Breathing in Papa ).

Sunday mornings...I really don't think it matters what day, time, or how long, but for me this year it has become Sunday mornings. No longer, running off to church (which involved a 45 minute drive as my husband gave the Sunday morning message to the little biker church). Just me and God (in all His various forms) conversing. I talk with Him continually, but during this time I purposefully set aside with no distractions (a perk to be in this season of my life) just He and I time. I want to know Him so I see Him in all His creation.

Example, yesterday at Walmart. (It continues to amaze me of how many Walmart God encounters I have.) Taking a quick glance at the women's clothes as I moved from one end of Walmart to the other, an employee said to me, "I like your purse. Where did you get it?" "I made it." was my reply. The God encounter had begun. She still going about her doings, and I stopping to look at this and that within a 5 ft distance to carry on the conversation. I told her maybe I would just buy a new one, and give it to her. She nodded, and said "that would be nice." She told me, she had been raised in a foster home, and did not learn to sew, but one day she was going to, but right now she was working and saving her money for ?... I did not hear what she said, and it was not important for me to know. She told me she rides a scooter and having a sling purse would be nice. I told her I would just have to make her one. Then taking note of her name "Lynn" asked what her favorite colors were..."Red. Blue.

Walking to my car to leave, I thought about dumping everything out of my purse, and taking it back in to her. No, not good enough. I will make her one. Then wondering when she works, again? Oh, the committee in my head was going. Came home and went thru my fabric and patterns. Not finding the pattern I recalled I had given it to one of my daughter-in-laws. Will that stop me...even though I seemed to make a project out of this encounter. No! Today, I will make a special purse for Lynn..and though a simple observance of a purse may appear as a passing encounter, it will carry gracious blessings to her and me.

I love learning to be present with Him....in our Sunday morning conversations,
and in our daily walk.
Papa loves encounters!!

You are my Daughter

It has been a few weeks since I have posted, I kept wondering what to write next. Oh, I knew the topic I MUST put down in words, but it is an ongoing soul/heart topic still in a healing place. It is the topic of "mother-daughter" relationship. Or a parent-child relationship. As you may recall in my early post, I mentioned my mother as part of my meltdown (God's intervention).

The struggle to write is due to that part inside us that wants to talk about all the disappointments, the let-downs, the not-right, not-fair moments; the pains and hurts. Or as it has been written looking through the "wounded child eyes." However, "What is the purpose in dwelling on these things?" "Where are the benefits?" "The growth?"

Continuing to stay focused on God as my Truth-teller, asking and seeking to see more clearly my mother and our relationship brought forth many unexpected revelations.

During January 2011, a life changing moment happened for me... Going to be with my mom who had said the doctor suggested that someone be with her for a surgery procedure, then hearing the morning of the surgery from the nurse that she was there for a radical right mastectomy...for what I thought would be a couple of days away from my home to a longer stay. She lives in Oklahoma, I in Louisiana. Well, I was just not mentally prepared for this."

As the days unfolded I sunk into my great pity-party, "Here we go again." All my life she has put stuff on me." "You better say something, or I am outta here" conversation with God. Now picturing this with a grin on the face tone, I heard, "Go take a shower". Which did not make me very happy at the moment, but can tell you now meant, to step back, to take a deep breath, move from the environment even if it was only a room away.

Then...the words came while I was pouring my heart out in the shower...the Truth-teller said so audible as the spirit can hear...
"I not only choose her to be your mother, but YOU to be her daughter."
The words still bring tears. I was always making it about her. My expectations of what a mother should be, should do. All the disappointments. All the fears. After all, she was the mother, I was the child. She was suppose to protect and be strong for me. She was suppose to be my shelter in the storms. Alas, that day I was reminded, I was God's daughter. How the perspective changed. This was about who I was, my character, my faith tested, my actions. This was and is about who I was created to be...not about blaming, and finding fault in others.

So here are things I can tell you about my mother from a new perspective...She loved each of her children by being a provider. We always had food to eat, a roof over our heads, clothes to wear. She provided opportunities for us to learn by enrolling us in activities, i.e. scouts, YMCA, swimming, music, library. As she said to me, last year looking at photos, I love my babies." :') She has a strong work ethic, which she passed on to us. This is how she loved us. This was the space she could work within. In her own way, she is resilient. She did all she knew to do.

I have written much more today, (you are correct cousins, it keeps flowing once you start ) but in reading thru this feel that it is a time to stop, step back, take a breath, and really let this soak in. Ask, then Seek to see the TRUTH in the things that you dwell on. We can not change the things that have happened, but we can change how we see them.

I had been asking to see the truth and there it was. There it is! Did I believe it? My choice. My opportunity. My mother did all she knew to do. Above all else, I was God's daughter. He is my strength, my protector, my shelter from the storm.

Who is your Truth-teller? A voice in your head dwelling on all the regrets, and fears? Or One who says, you are my daughter. I am your strength, your protector, your shelter from the storm. From what you see as pain and regret, I will show you wonderful things.

Closed for Restoration

Still knowing a direction would come, along came Brave Girls Club. (Not sure how I first came across them, most likely someone sharing a post on Facebook.) I signed up to receive their Daily Truths - a little bird told me. Their daily newsletter spoke to me. On their website, they talked about this online class entitled Soul Restoration. Wow! That's it, just what I need; I need to be restored. To find Karen, again. What? $100?? Come on, that's not that much, when you consider therapy sessions. Go for it! Eight weeks of walking through my life to find myself again, seemed worth the investment. So I did!! It's been almost a year ago to the day. Oh, how things have changed. www.bravegirlsclub.com. Melody and Kathy were agents of life-saver for me.

Brave Girls Club's Soul Restoration was a video, along with questions, and a art/word journal. The first lesson: using the picture of a house as an analogy of your soul. Understanding that you make choices that allow people to come into your soul house. You get to decide who comes in, who stays on the porch, the yard, on the sidewalk, the road, or maybe even on the moon.

Around the same period, Paul had been giving a message at church on Relationships. He, being a man and a gunsmith, used the analogy of a target. You know the ones with the bull's eye in the center, along with the idea of a map. I was so amused at how the Holy Spirit was emphasizing this message of relationships to me.

So where do you begin when a house is broken, trashed, cluttered, expended? What must be done to restore it? It must be cleaned out. Remove everything. Start new. Have you thought about it? Have you ever wondered how to get a handle on what is going on in your life? Have you wondered where to begin?

Step back...breathe. Everything is going to be okay. When all seems in chaos it is time to stop, and get a better perspective on people and situations. Who do you run to?? Ask yourself, with so many people, who do I need to be at the core of my soul? Who and where do others need to be?

I love how Jesus is a perfect example of this. He had so many people in, out, around, and passing by him. Yet, he never lost his connection to his heart, his soul. To the one who knew him more than any other, to God, his Father. He understood the importance of that relationship, and it was with him throughout his daily movements. He also had his inner circle, then those out on another level, and those who passed through on his journey. He knew and understood who and how much time to give to each person, each task. It is possible for each one of us, too.

You see, at the core of our heart, our soul, is our Creator. He knows us more than anyone else can, including our own self. To cling to Him when times are well, and when they are uncertain, are crucial to not getting lost in the light or the dark seasons of life. My Truth Teller (lesson 2) will say to me, Be Peace. And I will know all is well with my soul. When you have this relationship at the core of your soul, you have the ability to understand, and be at peace with others in this world, even during times when it doesn't make sense.

So now, that I had gone into this state of soul restoration, and determined who was at the core of my house, I was ready to take the next step...to look at who and where others were and needed to be in my life. This was the most fascinating process. A spouse, children, family, friends, acquaintances, those who I came across in my daily activities. There were some I invited into my house that were intend to just teach me something, and I them. There was no need to set aside a room in the house and let them live there...a refreshing glass of water was all that was required. (See post February 3 post).

I would tell you where those in my world were positioned, but it is different for everyone, and adjustments are necessary. I will say if you are married, that your spouse should be right close by the core of your soul. For it is in marriage that a gift of a helpmate has been intended, God's gift to each other to become more than they would apart; and therefore God's intent to be a blessing to the world. (Pg. 173, A Return to Love written by Marianne Williamson.)

For others in my world, there are shifts on the front porch, the yard, the side walk, and even some who are a part of my world, but who I choose to love, as I leave them out on the moon.

How about you? Your soul is precious, at the core, your Creator has bestowed specific gifts and talents for you to bestow on your walk through this world. Are you watchful of your heart? Do you understand that there are choices to be made in relationships? Does a relationship enable or hinder you from being who were created to be?

Who is on the Walk?

Not going into the details, the "here again" took place on at least two fronts; one - my mother; and two - me getting involved in others' lives more than was necessary or required. Bearing others' burdens was an addiction. (Of course, I did not see it at the time.) When I assume any task, I take it on with 100% enthusiasm. What's the problem? Let's look at it. What can be done to change it? Come on, you can do it. As I look back, I have done this while involved in several group environments. After all there are more people, more needs. Humm, that's not quite right. Humbly, and being vulnerable, my "I'm trying to help you; Listen to me; I can fix it." attitude has always been with me.

When the last blow-up took place at the end of 2011, talking it out to why I was so taken back....my husband offered this observation (after almost 30 years, he kinda knows me), "You don't need a pat on the back for what you do, but you also don't need a "slap in the face." a.k.a. verbal not appreciated. I had never thought about that before. Each time these blow-ups occurred in the past, I was left with this "slap in the face" feeling. Not appreciated...struck a nerve. Wow! A new discovery. A new question to ponder. Why do I do the things I do?

Have you thought about that? Why do you do for others?

So this is what I discovered for me. I am an encourager. I would say it is my heavenly gift. However, there is a point when my good intentions of encouraging become a curse. When, you might ask? When I move from my heavenly gift, into my own doings...a performance mode. When I get falsely lured in, that if I don't do it no one will, or everyone expects me to do it. Or, when I think "I" can fix it. "I" have all the solutions. Awe, the schemes of the evil one.

How key it is to stay connected; to stay aware; to be humble. This is what I learned through this knock, ask, seek, and change exploration: If it is something I am to get involved with I will be excited, there will be no hesitation, I just know to do. If there is dread, dragging, withdrawn, forced feeling, I need to step back and look deeper into the actions I need to take. When my heartaches or is burdened for someone, it does not mean I need to run to someone's side and get involved. It means I need to send up some heartfelt prayer, then be still. If I need to do more than prayer, He will make it known to me.

The Connection. As it has been said throughout time, it is essential that you stay connected to the Creator. Beginning each day, consciously, taking that moment to be aware that there are forces in this world that want to drag you off into darkness; and will do it with little steps. Then one day, you are lost and weary; wondering how you reached this place again. The great news...He is Faithful always. He will never leave you, nor forsake you. He will provide a way out. I know He does!!! Because each time I walk around that same mountain, He is with me, waiting patiently for me to ask Him, and to lift me up once more. And with each time, I learn a little more about staying connected, by hearing His voice and heeding His direction.

Who do you take on your daily walk?

Hug!

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, He is greater than all, no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one." John 10:27-30.

Mind vs. Heart

As I mentioned previously, my heart cried out, that inward part of us that reaches a point of total helplessness. The mind tells you that helplessness is a sign of weakness. Or, this is all there is. Or, you can't change it. Or, you deserve this. Or whatever it is, that your mind says to you. It causes you to feel a thorn of unworthiness, a feeling of no value, a sense of hopelessness. However, there is this inward crying of your heart, and your soul speaks from within.** This is when the battle really begins...the point of sorting out the truth from the lies. A choice must be made. Will you be courageous to go on this journey? It requires a true desire to look within. It is not about blame or shame. It is walking through the experiences, recognizing the lessons, and moving forward. 
These are questions, I had to ask myself. 

Then came, "How do I begin?" Where do I find a guide for my mind? (since it needed to be reconciled, restored, and renewed).

** "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."  Romans 8:26-27

Another walk around the mountain...Again.

Last year, 2012, I went on a journey...or another one-on-one walk with the Father. I had spent the entire year of 2011 acting like I was handling the life stuff just fine, but in reality I was already depleted before 2011 even began. I was in performance mode, attempting to present myself as a joy-filled trouper. However, there was this other side. I was doing a lot of whining, and it randomly spewed-out to whomever would ask, "How are you doing?" By the end of that year, I was totally exhausted, lost, frustrated, and angry. I had hit bottom. I had lost that bounce that makes me uniquely Karen, a daughter of God. What happened? How did I end up in this place again?

Literally, Thank God, my heart cried out and knew to ask, and then to stay aware as I was seeking to find the answers. Knowing (having Faith) that the answers do come is key. They come when you are ready to see the truth. Oh, there are many times when we look past the truth, past the answer, after all we still want the answer to feel good. The self has this need to justify our feelings and actions. As my husband has said to me with courageous love, "Is the pity party over? Is it time to move on?" Yes, it was time to move on. But, this time I needed to understand, to seek the truth, to answer the questions; "What happened? How did I end up in this spot? Again.  This time I needed to look inward. I needed to be guided through the discovery. It was going to take great courage, if I truly wanted, needed, to get to the root of it; in order to cultivate and reestablish the heart and joy of Karen.

In Brene' Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection - Let Go of Who You Think You're Suppose to Be and Embrace Who You Are, she states that courage originally meant "to speak one's mind by telling one's heart." And "ordinary courage is putting our vulnerability on the line." (Pgs. 12 -13). Why vulnerable? For me, and I am proposing for others, it is the only way to get to the real issue, the seed, so it can be healed. How?

This may just be the most courageous daily thing any of us must do: "Ask, Seek, Change or as I prefer to say Adjust." ( In hindsight, I have been uncovering answers to my asking and seeking throughout my life. Often, the answers involved lots of character building.)

Can you imagine the transformations that would take place, if we individually, would truly seek?

So how about you? When you feel pressed down, with the sense that you can't go on, that you don't even recognize yourself anymore, what do you do? Are you courageous to go on a walk of discovery? That's what I did. It was full of many emotions.
But it is so worth it!     To be continued...

 

Hug!

Courage to start

So what is this Courage thing? In my observation and simply stated:
It is understanding that everyone has stuff in their life, but the difference in one's life is whether you choose to walk through the stuff or stay in it. 
Choosing to walk through the stuff of life is Courage!
 

A year ago, I knew I was going to Blog. I had a title, along with a subtitle. I took the first step and created it; but then got caught up in the lessons, the learning of life. Now a year later, it is time to write. So why a blog? 

If for no other reason than to put these stacks of notes, lessons, and thoughts into some form as a reminder of my walk - a living life journal - a gratitude to God's faithfulness as His daughter. I will share experiences, thoughts, ask questions, and anything else God brings to mind for me to share. For life really is God's gift to us to explore, to seek, to learn, and to develop. To be a gift in this world, as we serve and encourage one another.

Recalling the words of a friend,
"Karen, everyone is brought into your life for you to learn from them,
              and they to learn from you."

So therein, lies the ground for this conversation among this sisterhood of courage:
  

                         What are you learning? What are you teaching?

 

Courage:  the quality of being brave: the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action

"She showed great courage throughout this difficult time."

To be courageous is do what you can, and be confident that God will bring His perfect will to pass.  You are to do and go forward in faith.  You are not alone for He is with YOU!