It has been a few weeks since I have posted, I kept wondering what to write next. Oh, I knew the topic I MUST put down in words, but it is an ongoing soul/heart topic still in a healing place. It is the topic of "mother-daughter" relationship. Or a parent-child relationship. As you may recall in my early post, I mentioned my mother as part of my meltdown (God's intervention).
The struggle to write is due to that part inside us that wants to talk about all the disappointments, the let-downs, the not-right, not-fair moments; the pains and hurts. Or as it has been written looking through the "wounded child eyes." However, "What is the purpose in dwelling on these things?" "Where are the benefits?" "The growth?"
Continuing to stay focused on God as my Truth-teller, asking and seeking to see more clearly my mother and our relationship brought forth many unexpected revelations.
During January 2011, a life changing moment happened for me... Going to be with my mom who had said the doctor suggested that someone be with her for a surgery procedure, then hearing the morning of the surgery from the nurse that she was there for a radical right mastectomy...for what I thought would be a couple of days away from my home to a longer stay. She lives in Oklahoma, I in Louisiana. Well, I was just not mentally prepared for this."
As the days unfolded I sunk into my great pity-party, "Here we go again." All my life she has put stuff on me." "You better say something, or I am outta here" conversation with God. Now picturing this with a grin on the face tone, I heard, "Go take a shower". Which did not make me very happy at the moment, but can tell you now meant, to step back, to take a deep breath, move from the environment even if it was only a room away.
Then...the words came while I was pouring my heart out in the shower...the Truth-teller said so audible as the spirit can hear...
"I not only choose her to be your mother, but YOU to be her daughter."
The words still bring tears. I was always making it about her. My expectations of what a mother should be, should do. All the disappointments. All the fears. After all, she was the mother, I was the child. She was suppose to protect and be strong for me. She was suppose to be my shelter in the storms. Alas, that day I was reminded, I was God's daughter. How the perspective changed. This was about who I was, my character, my faith tested, my actions. This was and is about who I was created to be...not about blaming, and finding fault in others.
So here are things I can tell you about my mother from a new perspective...She loved each of her children by being a provider. We always had food to eat, a roof over our heads, clothes to wear. She provided opportunities for us to learn by enrolling us in activities, i.e. scouts, YMCA, swimming, music, library. As she said to me, last year looking at photos, I love my babies." :') She has a strong work ethic, which she passed on to us. This is how she loved us. This was the space she could work within. In her own way, she is resilient. She did all she knew to do.
I have written much more today, (you are correct cousins, it keeps flowing once you start ) but in reading thru this feel that it is a time to stop, step back, take a breath, and really let this soak in. Ask, then Seek to see the TRUTH in the things that you dwell on. We can not change the things that have happened, but we can change how we see them.
I had been asking to see the truth and there it was. There it is! Did I believe it? My choice. My opportunity. My mother did all she knew to do. Above all else, I was God's daughter. He is my strength, my protector, my shelter from the storm.
Who is your Truth-teller? A voice in your head dwelling on all the regrets, and fears? Or One who says, you are my daughter. I am your strength, your protector, your shelter from the storm. From what you see as pain and regret, I will show you wonderful things.
